some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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