that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
