I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
