she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
