you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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