I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize