It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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