he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
