How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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