the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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