the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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