I puked a lego.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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