i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
