I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
