I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
