I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
