she was so not down for the gang bang
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
