I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
