My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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