Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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