I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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