I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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