you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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