Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
