then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
