Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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