if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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