I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
