The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
