Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
