I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
