I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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