he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
