you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
