Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
