they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
