You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
