as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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