How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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