Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
