my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
