I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
