just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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