I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
