Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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