I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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