I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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