I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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