I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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