My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
