Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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