i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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