We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
