There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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