Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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