If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
